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Late 20s, early 30s

2012-01-17T16:38:00.001-08:00

It's been decided what we'll do for my 30th birthday: Vegas, naturally.

Technically we're going to Vegas the weekend after my birthday. On my actual birthday Nicole has a surprise planned and it must be good because this time she's actually keeping it a secret.

In other news, we're babysitting our nephew Thursday night. I love that little guy. Now that he walks he's a lot more fun to play with too. I love the mischievous look in his eyes when he knows he's doing something bad!

I think we're also going to Vegas in August for my brother-in-law's 21st birthday. That's part of my brother in law duty, right? To buy him a shot (or two) on his 21st birthday?

Anyway I never said this but Nicole has two awesome brothers, who are now my brothers in law. I really looking forward to hanging out with them more and being a big brother figure. They both make me laugh.

The big 3-0

2011-09-23T11:38:00.000-07:00

So I'm looking at ways to celebrate my 30th birthday, which is Feb. 4. Because of the wedding, chances are we'll be pretty broke so I'm thinking creatively.

This is what eHow.com recommends (with my comments in parentheses):

1.) Bungee jumping or skydiving. (Veto. I don't want to make Nicole a widow after only two months of marriage.)

2.)Spa weekend. (Have I mentioned that I'm straight?)

3.) Road trip. (That can be fun, but we already do that all the time.)

4.) 30th birthday banquet. (This could be fun too, but lack of funds probably makes this unrealistic. Plus, friends and family will probably be loathed to attend another formal function, ha.)

Any ideas on how to celebrate the big 3-0?

My picks to replace Regis

2011-09-16T19:55:00.000-07:00

With Regis Philbin scheduled to retire later this fall, I'm jumping on the bandwagon and compiling a list of people ABC should consider as replacements. (This despite the fact that the last episode I saw was probably in 1999. You know, school and work.)

I'm going unconventional, which means away from Anderson Cooper, Tom Bergenon, blah blah blah. How about we think outside the box a little, Mr. Mainstream Media? Dare to be creative!

Anyway, here's my list. But really, ABC could pick anyone but Ryan Seacrest and I'd be happy.

Charles Barkley

He's retired, and the NBA lockout means he probably won't work as an TNT analyst this season, so the Chuckster has a lot of time on his hands. Plus he's charismatic with a great self-effacing sense of humor. He's perfect for TV.

Kevin O'Leary

He's probably not familiar to mainstream America, but reality TV junkies may know him. He's a "shark" on the ABC show "Shark Tank", in which small business owners solicit investors from a pool of wealthy capitalists. Like the title suggests, the investors are ruthless and O'Leary is the most ruthless of all. It would be fun to see O'Leary's brash but sincere persona mesh with celebrity types.

Don Cheadle

Probably best known for his roles in "Crash" and "Hotel Rwanda", there's something sophisticated and cool about Cheadle. Like Regis, he adds instant class.

George Clooney

I wasn't going to include him originally because, you know, he's a huge movie star and hosting a daytime TV show is probably beneath him. But the more I thought about it, the more I was able to envision him using a daily talk show as his own personal soap box. You don't think he'd love to go on and on about Darfur while waving a copy of the New York Post? I have Clooney as a 20-1 longshot to replace Regis.

Conan O'Brien

Does anyone expect Conan's show to last beyond 2012? Ratings are horrendous, supposedly, and George Lopez is already gone. He'll have to tone it down for daytime audiences, but it's either that or start another late night show on...um... what's worse than TBS? The USA Network?

Carly Foulkes

Nobody said Regis' replacement needs to be a man. The trick, though, is that a female co-host needs to be non-threatening to the mostly female audience. She needs to be pretty, but subtlety so. So who better than the T-Mobile Girl! A quick Google search reveals her as Carly Foulkes. Too bad she's too young (23) to be considered a serious candidate.

My padre

2011-06-19T18:03:00.000-07:00

For 29 years, I took my dad for granted. Isn't that what you do with parents? You learn to turn to them for support and guidance when life throws you obstacles, and when they're not, it's a mixture of shock, disappointment and depression.
My dad is living in Mexico now, retired after so many years of working a manual labor job to support his family. Growing up wasn't all roses, but I can't complain. My parents gave me love and opportunity, and that's probably the best thing a child can receive.
As a little kid, I looked up to my dad a lot. I remember helping him wash his old Dodge truck, while he played oldies on the radio. He gave me my first sip of beer, a Coors light -- I hated it. He laughed and told me to always remember that bitter taste (I did; now I only drink Budweiser).
I remember my dad installing the basketball hoop on the back of the garage and taking a whole week to assemble a home gym. My dad took me to buy my first dog, a German shepherd named Blackstone, which I found in a PennySaver ad.
My dad taught me how to drive on a isolated stretch of roadway on Bloomfield Avenue. After I got my license, he let me drive his truck all by myself. (I drove to Burlington Coat Factory -- where I worked at the time -- and drove really slow so my co-workers could see me.)
There are a lot of sad memories too, including DUIs, alcoholism, divorce, etc. But I'm able to overlook it because I know whatever personal demons my dad may have been battling, it never affected his love for me or any of his boys.
I hope my dad is happy in Mexico. I hope one day down the road, after Nicole and I are married and settled, we can afford a big house where my dad can come and live with us as one big, happy family.
I don't want to take my dad for granted anymore.

***

I also want to wish my older brother, Oscar, a happy Father's Day. (And my sister-in-law, Mona, a belated happy Mother's Day.)
I'm determined to be their son's favorite uncle, and I'm not ashamed to bribe him!

All that he can be

2011-05-09T18:16:00.001-07:00

I'm not the type to tell a person what to do with their life, so when
my younger brother Michael announced he was enlisting in the Army, the
only thing I could say was... Good luck.

I don't mean that in a sarcastic way. I genuinely hopes he kicks ass
in the military. Whether they ship him to Afghanistan or Timbuktoo, I
want him to untap his potential and be an awesome soldier. Michael is
incredibly smart, although I think his stubborness sometimes gets in
the way of his intelligence.

My biggest worry, of course, is his safety. I pray that he remains
safe, both physically and mentally. I want him to come home in one
piece. I also pray he can ward off the loneliness that is sure to set
in and doesn't forget he has a family here that loves him and
anxiously awaits his return.

I still think of Michael as the hyper little kid I grew up with, the
kid I shared a room with during the majority of our adolescence. But
he's grown now, and I hope when he comes back from serving our country
he and I can become closer.

I don't ask God for much, but I'm asking him to please keep my brother
safe.

Peace and terrorism

2011-05-03T15:25:00.001-07:00

I may be in the minority, but I'm not celebrating the death of Osama
bin Laden. The world is a better place without him for sure, but I
don't think a person's death is cause for celebration.

Instead, I'm sad that we live in a world of terrorism, hate and
intolerance. I'm sad that people pass judgment based on the color of
your skin, or your religious beliefs.

While I'm not a particularly religious person, I do believe life is a
gift from god and it's up to each of to choose how we live it. And too
many of us waste our lives with drugs, alcohol, prejudice and ignorance.

On Sept. 11, I remember watching news of the attacks and also seeing
people in the Middle East rejoicing and dancing in the street. I
remember thinking they were savages with no regard for human life.

Watching the TV news Sunday brought back those memories, only this
time it was Americans dancing joyfully over the death of another human
being. I just think it's wrong.

I hope Bin Laden's death ushers in an era of peace, cooperation,
understanding and friendship among fellow human beings, but I know
that's wishful thinking.

It's May 1 right?

2011-05-02T11:16:00.000-07:00

So I've made it a goal to blog every single day during the month of May, and obviously I'm off to a bad start because it's May 2. But I'm blaming bin Laden because his death distracted me.

To start, let me catch you up on my life. My wedding is Dec. 10 and it's coming really fast. This wedding literally consumes most of my thoughts 24 hours a day, seven days a week. It's all I think about in my down time: I think about it while I'm showering, when I'm working, when I'm driving, even when I'm sleeping. I'm like a boxer preparing for his fight.

With the exception of a refrigerator, we haven't made any major purchases as we attempt to pay off the wedding and its associated costs. And there are a lot of costs. Let's see, there's the wedding dress, tuxedos, reception hall, centerpieces, photographer, limousine, weddings bands, bridal shower, church deposit, church "trinkets" (sorry, I don't know what these are actually called), church singer, pianist, flowers, honeymoon, and I'm probably forgetting a few things.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, but you can see why this wedding is constantly on my mind. (You can also see why the original choice was to elope in Vegas.) The good thing is that once we're married, we won't have thousands of dollars to pay off.

But even if it doesn't sound like it, I'm extremely excited to be married. I'm on a diet and am officially in "Get in Shape for Wedding" mode.

Wow, December 10. It's really not that far away.

The one with the resolutions

2010-12-31T10:41:00.000-08:00

I usually don't make New Year's resolutions, but I'm making an exception for 2011. I'm feeling energized. I'm feeling like 2011 is going to be a good year. I want to take advantage of these positive vibes before the weight of reality crushes my optimism.

So here are my resolutions:

1.) Lose weight. I know, I know, it's such a cliche resolution. But this year I have no choice: I'm getting married on Dec. 9, 2011 and I want my self-confidence to be out of this world by then. I want to be able to smile in the photos, not tilting my head in obscure angles to hide a double chin [see photo at right]. In 2011, the YMCA will be my second home.

2.) Read more. The sports page no longer counts. I want to read books; biographies and works of fiction in particular.

3.) Move out. I want to be able to have a dog. Preferably one that doesn't poop.

4.) Get more tattoos. I need to do this before I get older. (I have a self-imposed rule of no more tattoos after age 30.) I'm thinking August/September will be a good time, since I want to get it done before the wedding.

5.) Pay off the wedding debt. We're making good progress so far but I don't want to spend 2011 stressing over how to pay for things.

Happy New Year's everyone. I'm sick so I'll be fighting the NyQuil and trying to make it to midnight.

Fear the beard

2010-11-19T15:34:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking of growing a beard. All I need is a reason to do it.

You see, guys can't just grow beards for the heck of it. There needs to be some sort of goal involved. As you work to accomplish that goal, the ever-growing beard is a testament to the time and work you're putting into it.

The San Francisco Giants are the most recent example of this. As they worked toward their goal of winning the World Series (mission accomplished by the way), several of the players vowed to grow a beard. It caught on, and it actually served as a piece of inspiration for Giants fans.

Beard-growing has been in hockey for decades. But you may want to reconsider your involvement if your favorite team sucks.

So I was thinking of growing a beard for my wedding. Why not? It's not like I have any real goals in life (as I read that back, that's actually kind of depressing...). Maybe my beard will catch on. Maybe my brothers will grow beards with me. Maybe you, my 10 blog followers, will forgo shaving in support of my nuptials. Will you at least think about it?

I'm becoming a woman

2010-11-16T14:39:00.000-08:00

I sent a text to Nicole today that read: "OMG did you hear that Tony Parker is divorcing Eva Longoria?!?!"

Shouldn't SHE be sending ME those types of texts, and not the other way around?

Oh, and did you hear Tony Parker is divorcing Eva Longoria?!?

Death by ChapStick

2010-11-15T16:41:00.000-08:00

Does ChapStick have an expiration date? I don't know, but I hope not.

My lips were dry and chapped this morning so I dug into my desk at work and found an old tube of ChapStick. I could tell it was old because it was a special summertime brand that's primarily sold during the summer. And I remember buying it for an outing to the beach. But I didn't go to the beach this year so the ChapStick must have been at least two years old. Plus the top didn't want to come off. (Have you ever tried to open a bottle of beer that didn't have a twist off cap? You turn as hard as you can before you realize you'll need a bottle opener. By this time your hand is red and marked up and you feel like a stooge. It was like that.)

I contemplated Googling whether or not ChapStick expires, but a part of me didn't want to know the answer. My lips were chapped and I wanted instant relief. If that meant a permanent loss of taste, then so be it.

Nicole is making dinner now. Later on I'll let you know if I can taste it.

View from the second floor

2010-11-07T14:55:00.000-08:00

Southern California weather has been very indecisive lately. The last couple of weeks we've endured record heat, thunderstorms, humidity, foggy mornings and even a couple of earthquakes (which may or may not be weather-related).
Because it rarely rains in Los Angeles, it becomes a huge deal, particularly on the TV news. A couple of sprinkles and you can expect STORM WATCH 2010! on the local news.
About the only good thing about the rain is that it clears out all the smog. And for one morning the sky is beautiful.
It was on one of these mornings last week that I really took notice of the nice view we have from our living room window. From the window I could see a portion of downtown Los Angeles:

I can't see all of downtown, just the left side. But still pretty cool.

I can also see the Chinese Buddhist temple that sits at the peak of Rose Hills Memorial Park (cemetery) in Whittier, about 13 miles away from the apartment. This view is the most remarkable to me, considering that the temple doesn't seem to be a large structure. But it's location at the top of a hill puts it in plain view for all to see. Kind of makes me with I was Buddhist.

Finally, I can also see the towers on Mt. Wilson, a peak on the San Gabriel Mountains and home to the Mount Wilson Observatory. I think millions of Southern California residents see Mt. Wilson from their backyards, but that doesn't make me less excited.

My man cave

2010-09-23T15:22:00.000-07:00

Nicole and I are kinda-sorta looking for a new apartment. Our new place will be a 2-bedroom, and the extra bedroom will be my man cave. (This may come as news to Nicole, but in turn the new apartment will have a dishwasher, relieving her of her duties.)

I'm assuming you know what a man cave is. But in case you don't, it's a place where a guy can spread out and be himself, without fear of ridicule, nagging and repercussion. It's a place where I don't have to hear, "Get your hand out of there!" fives times in a row. ("But I have an itch!")

Keeping in mind that the man cave probably will not have the space for a pool table, I will need to keep the furnishings small and somewhat realistic. This is what will be in my man cave:

A 3D TV. At least 42 inches. I will have two pairs of glasses, one of which I will wear. Guests can determine who wears the extra pair through games of rock, paper, scissors -- best three out of five.

A full-size refrigerator is probably out of the question because it will take up too much space. So a Red Bull fridge will have to do, and these can be picked up rather cheaply on Craigslist.

Of course, there probably won't be much Red Bull in the Red Bull refrigerator. Space is at a premium, so beer receives priority. Except Light Corona. That stuff won't even be allowed in the kitchen refrigerator.

And then we'll need a black leather couch. It's like we're in a rap video, minus the booty-shaking.

It cannot be a man cave without GoldenEye 007 for the Nintendo 64. Blowing away Russian spies is a great way to release stress and tension.

Finally, what is a man cave without man's best friend? An English Bulldog will keep me company during those endless nights I will inevitably spend sleeping on the black leather couch.

Now all I need to do is figure out a way to pay for it all.

Just sayin'

2010-09-16T14:32:00.000-07:00

I shouldn't be surprised by this, but baby clothes are awfully small. Like, tiny.

I've been buying baby clothes lately for the little nephew Jesse ("the little nephew Jesse," that sounds so gangster to say), who is expected to join us sometime in October. I try to do my shopping online because for some reason I feel uncomfortable in the kids aisle by myself. I don't know why. I think we've gone over this.

Anyway, the photos online make the clothes look huge. Then, when the package arrives in the mail, it's shocking how tiny the clothes are. (Which makes me question the high costs of shipping and handling for baby clothes, but that's another issue.)

I'm not complaining or anything, I just found it interesting.

On another note, this baby needs to hurry up and arrive. The Lakers season starts soon!

When I Was a Younger...

2010-09-03T18:27:00.000-07:00

I used to search for snails in the backyard, and then sprinkle salt on them and watch them bubble up and disintegrate.

I would call my dad at work when I advanced to a new level on Super Mario Bros.

I owned all of Coolio's CDs.

I used a pager to communicate with friends. It was a primitive form of texting.

I watched Tiny Toon Adventures, Pinky and the Brain, Rugrats (Chucky -- the scaredy cat -- was my favorite) and Doug.

I would go swimming with my shirt on because I was embarrassed of my weight.

I read all RL Stine and Christopher Pike books.

I wrote a letter to Sports Illustrated and was thrilled when I received a handwritten reply. (I had requested they begin covering the WWF as a real sport...They respectfully declined.)

I learned the Internet using AOL.

I bought my mom a laundry hamper for Christmas.

I had a crush on Miss Elizabeth.

Baking something

2010-08-19T13:11:00.000-07:00

I'm addicted to Baking Life. It's not something I'm proud of, considering I should probably be playing "Mafia Wars" or something similar on Facebook. But what can I say? I like (virtual) baking.

Speaking of baking, over the weekend Nicole bought ingredients to make a cake. But she hasn't baked it yet. I see the ingredients just sitting there, staring back at, almost mocking me.

Girls can be such teases sometimes.

Things I'm scared of

2010-08-16T12:16:00.000-07:00

MadeInChina.com

There are three things in life that send shivers of fear down my spine:

1.) Heights
2.) Revolving doors
3.) Falling in the bath tub

Weird, right? A fear of heights is understandable, but who the heck is scared of revolving doors and falling in a bath tub (besides 80-year-old women)? Let me try to explain why these things scare me.

Heights -- The idea of slipping off a ladder or tumbling down a roof or flying off a rollercoaster and going SPLAT makes me queasy. This is why I avoid theme parks at all costs. I don't understand how a rollercoaster traveling at upwards of 70 MPH can be operated by a pimply-faced kid.

Revolving doors -- I don't have a fear of revolving doors per se, I'm specifically afraid of having my arm trapped in the door and having it ripped from its socket by a revolving door that does not stop. How could I function with only one arm? I could never again play rock, paper, scissors. (Wait a minute, maybe I could.)

Falling in the bath tub -- I must have fallen while bathing as a toddler, because I can't shower unless there's a slip-resistant mat in the bathtub. Shoot, I could also go for some handle bars on the walls and one of those chairs old people use. But I need to be respectful of the fact that not everybody is a big baby like me. The slip-resistant map seems like a compromise.

Anybody scared of stuff?

Bracing myself

2010-08-02T19:15:00.000-07:00

www.theweddingplanner.ie

With marriage only nine months away, Nicole and I booked our reception hall today, a place called Memories in Uptown Whittier. It's the same venue my brother and sister-in-law used when they were married a couple of years ago, only we're using the downstairs hall.

We received a good price, but even with a discount, it's still a good chunk of change. And it's all making me worry just slightly about how we're going to pay for all this.

Nicole reads this blog, so I'm going to be reserved in my comments a bit (i.e. no freaking out), but in my head right now only dollar signs are swirling:

Wedding: $
Reception: $
Wedding cake: $
Wedding rings: $
Honeymoon cruise: $

And this isn't taking into consideration incidental charges, like rental car to drive to Vegas, our room in Vegas, bachelor and bachelorette parties, etc. I'm probably leaving stuff out too, like the knick-knacks and such.

Everything is going to work out in the end. There's no way I would let something like money ruin the happiest event in my life. But there's going to be a lot of stress between now and April 30.

You know I'm stressed out when I write a blog and don't try to be funny!

Almost an uncle

2010-07-28T14:14:00.000-07:00

In about three months the baby will be here and I'll be an uncle. (At least I think the due date is in three months...what kind of uncle am I?!)

I've already bought some stuff for the little boy, Jesse, although Nicole has to remind me sometimes that it's not our baby. For example, the other day I was browsing online and I found a 2pac onsie. It said "Thug Life" on it and I thought it was hilarious! Nicole didn't think it was very funny though, and she talked me out of it.

And it's amazing how expensive baby clothes can be. Why is it so expensive if there's hardly any material? I don't get it.

Overall though, it's been fun shopping for a baby. But I need to have Nicole next to me at all times, otherwise I feel a little creepy strolling through a children's department all by myself.

I don't know what the protocol is as far as delivering the gifts to my brother and sister-in-law. Do I wrap the gifts? Do I mail them? Who do I make it out to? And what if they don't like what I bought? Should I get gift receipts?

Something tells me this little kid is going to be spoiled...by their uncle!

Is it April yet?

2010-07-18T18:38:00.000-07:00

Oh, so THIS is why some couples elope...

I'm two weeks into my new life as an engaged man, and it's pretty much what I expected: a whole lot of planning, some bickering, even more compromising, and a healthy dose of "Honey, what do you think of this?" as Nicole browses the Internet.

Wedding planning is fun, but it can also be extremely frustrating because it involves a lot of waiting. If it were up to me, we would drive out to Vegas this weekend, pick out a chapel and pay the deposit. And then we would come home, pick a caterer for our reception at home and pay a deposit with them too. Voila.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. The first step is to finalize a guest list, and that always prompts the same discussion:

NICOLE: Should we invite Bob* to the wedding?
ME (as I'm playing Grand Theft Auto): I don't know. If you want.
NICOLE: He's your relative.
ME: Oh...then yes.
NICOLE: Will he get drunk?
ME: Probably.
NICOLE: If he's going to get drunk I don't want him at the wedding. So what do you think? Should we invite him?
ME: I don't know. If you want.
(At this point Nicole either storms out of the room or throws a 20-lb. wedding magazine at me.)

We've also had this discussion many times (all names have been changed):

NICOLE: I really want to invite Sally* to the wedding but I don't know if she'll show up. And it would break my heart if she didn't show up.
ME: Well you'll never know unless you invite her.
NICOLE: But it's a small chapel with a maximum occupancy of 50 people. We need to keep the guest list short.
ME: Oh. Well then maybe we shouldn't invite her. We should keep the guest list to people we know will definitely show up.
NICOLE: How come you're never on my side?!

And this conversation:

ME: Are you inviting your boss to the wedding?
NICOLE: Yes.
ME: Is she rich?
NICOLE: I don't know.
ME: Do you think she'll buy us a present?
NICOLE: I don't know. Probably.
ME: Can we register at Best Buy?!
NICOLE: No.

And then once we have a somewhat definitive list of invites, we need to figure out when to mail them.

NICOLE: What's your mom's address? I need it for the invitations.
ME: Don't worry, babe. They already know they're invited.
NICOLE: But they still need to receive a formal invitation, silly. It's proper.
ME: I read yesterday that postage is going up.
NICOLE: And?

Sigh. I've got a lot to learn when it comes to this wedding stuff.

Teaching me

2010-07-15T12:57:00.000-07:00

I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and join the other bloggers reminiscing about high school. From what I've read so far, it sounds like I'm in the minority because I hated those four years.

I loathed waking up at 7 a.m. just so I can drag myself to class as some old, tenured teacher blathered her way through a monotonous speech. With very few exceptions, my teachers lacked passion or desire. I had the feeling they were just as anxious for the clock to strike 2:30 p.m. as the students were, if not more so.

There were a few exceptions. Mr. Wright, my sophomore English and World Civilization teacher, was genuinely excited about what he taught. His enthusiasm rubbed off on me. As he spoke to us about World War II, he provided vivid, specific details: what types of tanks the Germans were using, the Japanese practice of kamikaze warfare, etc. He was a living, breathing History Channel.

Ms. Bement was my freshmen English teacher. I'm only slightly exaggerating when I say I owe my life to her. As adviser of the school newspaper, she introduced me to journalism. She motivated me, and believed in me when others didn't.

Before the second semester of freshman year started, Ms. Bement invited me to join the newspaper staff. But that would mean a change in my class schedule, and thus, approval from the school counselor. I remember meeting with my counselor, Mrs. Sobalvarro (sp?). She told me I wouldn't cut it in the journalism program, that it was usually reserved for juniors and seniors. She "highly suggested" I keep my same schedule and forget about newspaper writing. Luckily, I persisted, and she signed off on the schedule change.

I spent the next four years on the newspaper staff. My freshmen and sophomore years I was a staff writer, junior year I was promoted to sports editor, and as a senior I became editor-in-chief. We assembled a great group of writers and won a dozen awards at a journalism contest sponsored by the local daily newspaper. I still have the trophies I won for individual writing in a closet at home.

Three years after high school, I was covering college sports and horse racing for the local newspaper. I was, by any definition, a "real journalist," getting paid to write by a daily newspaper. I owe it all to Ms. Bement.

In 2003, Ms. Bement (now Mrs. Hochadel), sent me a letter. In it, she said "Congratulations on your success. Continue to work hard and soon you may be the next Bill Plaschke [Los Angeles Times sportswriter]."

She ended the letter by saying "You have lots to be proud of, Eric."

That letter means a whole lot to me because it was written by the only teacher who ever believed in me and took the time to tell me so. I have the letter framed and it sits next to my computer at work.

So thank you, Mr. Wright and Ms. Bement.

As for everyone else, you're the reason today's schools are in disarray.

'Women are made to be loved, not understood.' - Oscar Wilde

2010-07-06T12:29:00.000-07:00

Although some won't admit it, deep down inside, most men yearn to get married. Contrary to the stereotype, it's not just women who spend their time daydreaming of a partner to settle down with, buy a house (with picket fence, naturally) and start a family -- men spend equal amounts of time on this vision as well. Sometimes it just takes men a little longer to figure out what they want and (perhaps?) need.

I'm happy to say I've found what I've been looking for, and on May 20, 2011, for better or for worse, I'm getting married.

Sorry, ladies.

It wasn't an easy decision, of course, to tie the knot. It's not something that was done on a whim, although it could appear that way. We were literally sitting on the couch, watching television, when we decided the time was right for marriage. There was no formal proposal, no getting down on one knee, not even a dramatic hug and kiss at the end. It was a realization that of the billions upon billons of people here on Earth, we were meant to be with one another.
Until death do us part.

I'm looking forward to spending the rest of my life with a beautiful woman who cries during episodes of Grey's Anatomy, laughs when a puppy kisses her face and understands the importance of Phil Jackson's return to the Lakers.

To top it off, she can literally be ready for most events in under 10 minutes.

It's true, I've timed her.

It's me against God

2010-06-22T07:32:00.000-07:00

I took a shower this weekend. Yeah, I know, that's not really worthy of a blog post. But wait.

After I stepped out of the shower, I started looking in the mirror and doing that "self-examination" thing. You know, where you kind of look things over, make sure everything is in place and where it should be. Take an inventory.

So as I'm looking myself over, I made a horrible, hideous discovery...

A gray hair!

Look for yourself:

Now I don't want to hear any comments like "But I can't even see it!" or "It makes you look distinguished!" Because that's all bull. Gray hair makes you look old, not distinguished. If I wanted to look distinguished I would grow an Andy Garcia moustache.

So anyway, after discovering this gray hair, I did what any sensible guy would do...

I shaved my head.

Take that Mother Nature!

I gave in

2010-06-20T19:34:00.001-07:00

I joined Facebook! That exclamation point was probably unnecessary.

Please find me and follow me. Or is it called adding someone?

Friending?

Offsides

2010-06-17T13:25:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one who can't get into the World Cup? Does it bug anyone else to see people attaching Mexican flags to their cars?

It also bugs me to see people pretend to be soccer fans only because the World Cup is hip right now. I may not be a soccer aficionado, but at least I can explain what an offsides is!

I also think that after tonight's Laker game -- win or lose -- people in Los Angeles are going to be stupid and flip over cars and loot stores. At least one MTA bus will burn tonight, that is my prediction.

Sorry. Just had to get that off my chest.

I need an extreme makeover - blog edition

2010-06-16T15:30:00.000-07:00

I'm usually not into blog giveaways, theme weeks, reviews, or all that other stuff that sometimes comes with blogging. I just like to use this space to post my random thoughts.

But when I read that Bloggy Blog Designz was having a giveaway, I knew I had to join. Bloggy Blog Designz designed my yet-to-premiere Lakers blog, and I was very happy with their work.

Hopefully if I win this giveaway they can spruce up this blog here. It's kinda dull, and that's not good for arguably the greatest blog ever invented.

See their website for details on joining the giveaway, but basically you need to copy and paste a few sentences into your blog, so here goes:

Bloggy Blog Designz is having a Giveaway!!! They are giving away blog designs and all kinds of goodies. Plus ALL entrants will receive 20%off their purchase through the end of the month! Be sure to check out their website for more information, or to enter yourself. Take a look at their portfolio and packages to see what's right for you.
The first 5 entrants will receive a $15 giftcard. The giveaway will close on June 19th, so be sure to have your posts done and comments left by midnight! Good Luck to everyone!

Swing and a miss

2010-06-10T15:27:00.001-07:00

Nicole wrote a blog and is asking people what they miss. This is what
I miss:

I miss the newness of the Internet, and the excited feeling I would
get when I heard "You got mail!"

I miss looking forward to new episodes of Beverly Hills 90210 on
Wednesday nights.

I miss ice cream bars shaped like WWF wrestlers.

I miss the WWF and Hulk Hogan, the Ultimate Warrior, Macho Man and the
Legion of Doom.

I miss cell phone bills under $100.

I miss being able to do renovations at home without worrying if the
landlord will get upset. (but I wouldn't give up an apartment with
Nicole for anything though.)

I miss The Simpsons when it was still funny.

I miss the days when I could stay up past 11 p.m.

I miss playing Heads Up 7Up at school on rainy days.

I miss 20 oz bottles of soda when they were 99 cents.

I miss collecting baseball cards.

I miss going on shopping trips to the 99 Cent Store with my dad.

I miss tagging along to the grocery store with my mom.

I miss kicking my little brother's @$$ at Jeopardy.

I miss my older brother's barbecues at home.

I miss a lot of things, but I'm even more grateful for the things I
have today.

Celebrities Die in Threes... THE MANUAL

2010-06-03T14:55:00.000-07:00

There are some people out there who believe that celebrities always die in threes. Nicole is one of those people. When Gary Coleman died recently, followed the next day by Dennis Hopper, she was adamant that another celebrity was destined to kick the bucket. And quick.

So when Golden Girl Rue McClanahan died soon afterward, Nicole didn't waste any time to text me. "That's three!," she texted, obviously guilty of reading TMZ at work. "The old lady on the Golden Girls died! I told you!" She sounded oddly satisfied, as much as I could tell from a text.

But I'm skeptical. I told her that Rue McClanahan's death doesn't count toward the theory because she's too old. The same with Art Linkletter. Together, they were a combined 173 years old. And we're supposed to be shocked that they died?

I have no idea if the Celebrities Die in Threes theory is legit or not. But if it is, we definitely need some ground rules. We need an official manual, a definitive guide to quash any and all questions. Questions such as: Does a celebrity death have an age limit? What constitutes a celebrity? Would Billy Mays have counted? What about the ShamWow guy? If the ShamWow guy dies will the world be shocked? Will the world care?

Here, in this post, I will attempt to set those guidelines.

The way I see it, for the Celebrities Die in Threes theory to be taken seriously, three simple rules need to be established: 1.) How big a star does the celebrity need to be?, 2.) What is the time frame involved?, and 3.) What is the age limit (if any)? Let's start with the easiest.

Time Frame: There must be some sort of established time frame or else the Celebrities Die in Threes theory can go on forever. I propose a time frame of two weeks. Within two weeks, three famous people must pass away for the Celebrities Die in Threes theory to hold up.
However, the time frame can be expanded if a superstar celebrity's death is so shocking, that a collective nation requires significant time to grieve. Confused? Take Michael Jackson's death; I think we can all agree that was a HUGE shock. It probably took most people at least a week to have it sink in that the King of Pop was gone. Forever. During this one week of mourning, no other celebrity is allowed to die unless they are bigger celebrities than the dead person. (Yes, we are playing God here.) A death of this magnitude pushes the theory's time frame to three weeks.

Very few people are in this "superstar celebrity" category that requires an extra week of mourning. The list includes:
•Oprah Winfrey
•Michael Jordan
•Bono
•The current sitting president
For anyone else, the standard two-week time frame applies.

What is the age limit? The only reason the Celebrities Die in Threes theory is popular is because of the inherent shock value it contains. It's not called the "Old Celebrities Die in Threes" theory for a reason. There must be a maximum age limit before a celebrity's death turns from "Oh. My. God!" to "He was still alive?" That age is 60.

After age 60, you can usually start taking advantage of the senior citizen discount at Denny's. Congratulations! The trade-off is that if you die, no one is surprised. If a person has a heart attack and dies at age 59, the typical reaction would probably be, "But he was so young!" Meanwhile, a 60-year-old has a deadly heart attack, and it's, "But he was so young." Notice the difference? The 60-year-old doesn't get the courtesy of an exclamation point. His death might be suprising, but it's not shocking. There's a difference.

Speaking of shock value, there have been some celebrities you just knew were destined to die at a relatively young age, and usually at their own doing. Examples include:

•Tupac Shakur
•Kurt Cobain
•River Phoenix
Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan have very strong chances of being added to this list. But I digress.

Define 'celebrity': This is the toughest, because the term "celebrity" is so subjective. But generally speaking, there is a difference between being famous and simply enjoying 15 minutes of fame. Is Gary Coleman's ex-wife a celebrity? No, not in my book. She's an opportunistic gold digger. (Oops, couldn't resist.) What about Paris Hilton? Yes. Although she's famous simply for being famous, you can't deny her celebrity.

In most cases, it's probably safe to say that a person is NOT a celebrity if:
•At any time they starred on an MTV reality TV show
•They are known best as a talking head on a VH1 countdown show
•They only received fame for serving as a sidekick to someone else (eg., Mini Me, Al Borland, Barney Rubble, the readhead from the Harry Potter movies, etc.)
•They openly campaign for a spot on 'Dancing with the Stars'
•They ever called themselves Paris Hilton's best friend

So I think we have it. In order for the Celebrities Die in Threes theory to hold up, the deceased all must be under age 60, they must never have been on MTV's '16 and Pregnant,' and they all must have died within a two-week time frame.

Hopefully this manual will come in handy the next time a famous person turns up on TMZ with 'RIP' next to their name. Kind of like the Swedish instruction manual that comes with furniture purchased from IKEA, it's not perfect, but hopefully it'll do.

Cooler than a polar bear's toe nails

2010-06-02T09:01:00.000-07:00

Exactly one year to the day after moving into our apartment, we finally have an air conditioner. It was installed yesterday by a handyman. (I would have installed it myself, of course, but I lack the proper tools... I swear.)

The handyman also took out a hideous, 1970s-looking bedroom light and replaced it with a ceiling fan. An even uglier light in the bathroom was also replaced with something more modern.

I have no idea if this redecorating goes against our lease, but I'm fairly certain our landlord doesn't read blogs. She seems like an AARP Magazine reader.

I'll try to take take pictures tonight and post them here. But let's be real, I probably won't because I'm lazy.

Bundle of confusion

2010-06-01T15:40:00.000-07:00

If Nicole and I ever have a baby, this is what he or she will look like, according to MorphThing.com.

So either the hospital gave us the wrong baby or, um...well there's really no way to explain how two Hispanics could possibly create a blond, blue-eyed baby. He/she is cute though.

But this probably means we can't name him Humberto.

Smart as a monkey, dumb as a chimp

2010-05-31T19:48:00.001-07:00

I'm not nearly as smart as I think I am (or others think I am).

1.) I prefer watching "Teen Jeopardy" to regular "Jeopardy" because I
answer more clues correctly.

2.) I'm not big on English literature. In fact, the last book I read
was written by Charles Barkley.

3.) I read the comics section of a newspaper first.

4.) My favorite poem was written by Shel Silverstein.

5.) I can't spell Massachoosets.

6.) I only do crosswords if it's in a National Enquirer.

7.) TMZ is a major source of news in my life.

8.) Instructions from IKEA confuse me.

9.) I think Tylenol can heal any illness I may have.

10.) Last time I tried math, I ended up over-tipping at a restaurant.

I made it in Vegas

2010-05-29T05:33:00.000-07:00

Today was a milestone moment for me: I was propositioned by a Las Vegas hooker.

It happened about 15 minutes ago, 5:15 a.m., as I was walking to the casino's gift shop for a chocolate milk. (How innocent were my intentions?!) I was by myself because Nicole was still sleeping.

As I was walking back to the room, a Deal or No Deal slot machine called my name. Almost as soon as I sat down and slipped in a $20, a girl probably 20-23 sat down next to me. She could barely keep her eyes open.

She asked me if I had made any money in Vegas yet. I told her no, not yet. She said, "What a coincidence, I'm looking to make some money too." Then she started stroking my leg and said we should go up to my room.

A couple of problems here:

1.) I have a girlfriend, Nicole.

2.) Nicole was in the room.

3.) Not that I would ever use a hooker to begin with! Contracting herpes from a hooker is not on my bucket list.

So I told her politely "No, sorry, I have a girlfriend."

"Why isn't she down here with you?" she asked.

"She's still sleeping," I told her. "It's pretty early."

"Can you get rid of her for a little while?" the hooker coyly responded. "I really want to have some fun with you."

"No, sorry," I said, as I scanned the area for her pimp. "But maybe next time."

By telling her "maybe next time" I was throwing her a bone just so she would leave me alone.

"OK," she said. "But take my number just in case."

I didn't have my phone with me, so she ripped a piece of the paper bag I was carrying and scribbled her "name" and phone number on. According to Nicole, the area code is from San Francisco. Her name was "Angel."

And just like that she was gone. I played my slot machine about five more minutes before heading back to the room.

As I headed back, I passed the hooker again. This time she was talking to a college-age guy. I don't know what happened, but I heard him ask her, "Would you walk back to the hotel with me?"

Have fun, Guy. The free medical clinic is just around the corner.

250 miles away

2010-05-28T19:04:00.001-07:00

I'm in Vegas right now; a spur of the moment road trip with Nicole
just for the heck of it.

If you're thinking of robbing us, the Wii is broken and our tv was
purchased on clearance. (But if you insist, please take Nicole's
flannel pajamas... I hate those things.)

The Lakers need to trade Andrew Bynum

2010-05-27T14:58:00.001-07:00

Preferably for Chris Bosh.

That is all.

2010-05-24T19:07:00.000-07:00

Test. Trying to figure out if I can successfully blog from my iPhone.
If I can't, I'm putting this thing on eBay.

Sent from my iPhone

Pump it up

2010-05-24T08:50:00.000-07:00

Image from Somewhat Frank

I believe that, for men at least, the amount of money you spend on shoes is in direct corralation to your age.

In other words, the older you get, the less you spend on shoes.

Think about it. When did you first start paying attention to shoe fashion? When you were 5 or 6? For me, I had to have those shoes with the little red lights that lit up whenever you took a step. Those were soooo cool. (Although the nun at Sunday School, who was so NOT cool, wasn't amused.)

About fifth grade, the Reebok Pump became all the rage. Remember those? On the tongue of the shoe was a little orange pump that supposedly inflated your shoes for maximum comfort. Looking back, the whole premise of an inflatable shoe sounds ridiculous, but it was a good excuse for Reebok to charge $140 for a pair.

After the Reebok Pump, everyone had to have the Air Jordans. The shoes could have an abhorrent combination of red, yellow and purple -- it didn't matter; as long as the Jordan logo was visible, that's all that mattered. The Jordans may have been the first sneakers to pass the $200 mark.

In junior high, I entered a grunge phase. I had a pair of Doc Martens that I wore religiously until the sole literally fell apart from the rest of the boot.

Once I hit high school, however, something inside me must have changed. Call it maturity, evolution or cheapness, but I started to pay more attention to the prices of shoes. This was probably because I started working at age 16 and, in a bid to gain independence, began buying things for myself. And when you're making $8 an hour, suddenly a $200 pair of shoes isn't priority No. 1.

This weekend, I may have a new level of cheapness. I bought a pair of Airwalks for $11 at Payless. If I remember correctly, Airwalks were popular circa 1993-1996. I think they were popular among skaters, and most of the kids at my junior high had them. (Kids were either wearing Airwalks or Doc Martens.) And now, all these years later, Airwalks have been relegated to Payless... sad.

I felt silly even trying on these Airwalks. They were brown and beared a striking resemblance to my Chuck Taylors, only the Airwalks had a silly looking skull design along the side. A skull? Really? I'm 28 years old, and I'm supposed to be walking around with skulls on my shoes? Who do I think I am, Jon Gosselin?

But still, they were $11. I spend more than that on lottery tickets. It was a deal too good to pass up.

So I bought the shoes. They're ugly, hideous and make me feel somewhat creepy, but so what? They were only 11 bucks.

If I ever start wearing knock-off Ed Hardy t-shirts, then you know I have crossed the line.

Lift a leg

2010-05-19T14:22:00.000-07:00

There was a time when I didn't understand why people cried at the loss of their pets. But when my trusty German shepherd, my sidekick for 12-plus years, died two weeks ago, a flood of emotions bubbled to the surface and finally I understood.

I didn't cry but my bottom lip quivered for just a second. It's cliche to say, but Blackstone, my dog, was the best dog in the entire world. All he asked for was food, water and a whole lot of tummy rubs, and in return he offered loyalty, companionship and unconditional friendship.

Oh, we had our tiffs. There was the time he absolutely HAD to go for a walk just as Mark McGwire was stepping into the batter's box on Sept. 26, 1998. Moments later McGwire belted his 70th homerun of the 1998 baseball season. As the nation was transfixed to their TVs, Blackstone was dragging me down the sidewalk to his favorite tree.

There was also the time friends came over for a pool party and Blackstone decided to, ahem, lift his leg on a guest. And God strike me down if he didn't actually grin when he was done.

Blackstone didn't know any tricks. He didn't fetch. We tried, but whenever someone threw a stick or ball he just looked at us as if to say, "You go get it." Then he licked himself.

He must have been a cat is some past life, because he hunted mice and birds for fun. He once cornered what must have been a five-pound sewer rat against a block wall. But the problem was, once he had the rat cornered, he didn't know what to do. He barked and stared and barked some more but that was it. It was like a parent threatening their out-of-control kid: "You better knock it off before I count to three! One!... Two!... Two and a half!... Two and three quarters!..." The ensuing standoff between Blackstone and The Rat lasted at least 30 minutes before I dozed off. I don't know how it ended but I do know this: I never saw that rat again.

By the end of his life, Blackstone was still energetic although his bark had lost some of its bite. What was once a thunderous, mighty bark became a throaty, somewhat restrained yelp. He was like Shaq: fat, slow and obviously over-the-hill to everyone except himself.

When Blackstone could no longer move his hindquarters, we knew it was time to take him to the vet. When he couldn't control his bladder in the waiting room, I knew he was in really bad shape. He was a proud dog, and accidents like this never happened, not even when he was a pup.

Blackstone was put on medication, but we all knew the inevitable wasn't far off. Although the vet assured us he was no pain, he just didn't seem right. He looked tired, resigned. His eyes were glossy, his head heavy. He seemed ready to go.

And he did go. My brother says he died in his sleep, quietly and peacefully. I wish I was there, stroking his head as he took his last breath.

Blackstone deserved a better life than the one he was given. He deserved to live on a farm out in the country, running through acres of fields. Instead, he was a simple family dog, bringing protection and companionship to his loved ones.

My dog was the best dog in the entire world. And he will be missed.

Twitter quitter

2010-05-18T20:21:00.001-07:00

This has nothing to do with my post below, but I think this commercial is funny. I think in a future post I'll analyze it in-depth. Oddly enough though, it doesn't make me want to drink whiskey.

Well, I deleted my Twitter account. I did this for a couple of reasons:

1.) I mostly followed sportswriters and journalists, and their snotty, border-line condescending tweets were getting on my nerves. I realized my favorite tweeters were older people -- the people who had intelligent, thought-provoking things to say in 140 characters or less. And these type of tweeters seemed to be disappearing by the day.

2.) I couldn't decide whether my Twitter account should be "professional" or "personal." About half of my followers were work acquaintances, and I felt uncomfortable merging my professional and personal lives.

Have you ever seen that episode of "Seinfeld" where George is upset because Jerry introduced George's girlfriend to Elaine? George was upset because he was a completely different person around his girlfriend than he was with his friends. "Worlds are colliding!" George said.

In a way, that's how I felt on Twitter. Not that my status messages were vulgar or inappropriate, but I felt uncomfortable tweeting about, say, having a couple of beers with a buddy. But I didn't want to tweet about work either, because at a certain point you need to forget work and recharge your batteries.

3.) As aggravating as Twitter was, I found that I was semi-addicted to it. I was constantly checking the Twitter timeline on my phone and on the computer, both at work and home. It was almost obsessive, even though I was not gaining essential knowledge. (For example, I was following Tia and Tamera Mowry... Why?!)

4.) I was a tad annoyed that little tiffs at home seemed to find their way to Twitter.

5.) I found that I was losing my creativity. I wasn't as anecdotal anymore; I wasn't as witty or funny. I was spending so much time tweeting my spur-of-the-moment thoughts that it became difficult to form intelligent words and sentences. I ran out of ideas for this blog.

I think Twitter can be a great tool, both for business and personal use. But I think sometimes it's also good to just slow down, catch your breath and enjoy the journey as much as the final destination.

My thoughts on illegal immigration

2010-05-06T15:16:00.000-07:00

For the past several days I've been trying to articulate in my mind what I wanted to say regarding Arizona's newly-passed illegal immigration law, and the illegal immigration issue in general.

But instead on dedicating 2,000 words to the issue, I'm going to keep it short and sweet, and just list a couple of thoughts I have on the matter.

1.) I think immigration laws are a federal matter, and for that reason I believe Arizona's new law will be thrown out by a court.

2.) Giving police the power to investigate a person's legal status by virtue of "reasonable suspicion" is awfully vague. How can a police officer determine "reasonable suspicion" without resorting to racial or cultural profiling?

3.) Arizona passed this law because of the inaction of the federal government. The United States can spend billions upon billions of dollars to engage in a stalemate war in Iraq, but we can't secure our own borders? That's bull. The United States hasn't secured its borders because it hasn't been inclined to do so. Had the Sept. 11 hijackers been of Mexican descent, our borders would have been sealed by Sept. 12.

4.) Legislators should not be allowed to give titles to pending legislation. For example, Arizona's new law has been titled "Support Our Law Enforcement and Safe Neighborhoods Act." That's misleading. Let's call all proposed legislation by it's official name. In this case, it's SB 1070.

5.) Illegal immigrants are not going anywhere. That is the reality. I'm not proposing amnesty, but forget about offering incentives to get them to go home. They won't. They came here to escape tyranny, corruption and persecution. They came here for a chance at the "American dream." They risked their lives for the chance to live in America, and they won't go back unless they are forcibly removed.

I was born in the United States, and my family is of Mexican descent. I consider myself incredibly lucky that my parents moved from Mexico to California for the sake of giving myself and my brothers a better life. I appreciate that every single day of my life.

But at a certain point the United States needs to do something about the flow of undocument immigrants who cross into our borders every day. The United States also needs to hold Mexico accountable for its role in illegal immigration, and begin a dialogue to see what can be done to better the lives of residents of Mexico.

Arizona's new law doesn't do anything to stem the tide of illegal immigrants crossing into this country. It's up to our congressional leaders to get over their partisan bickering and political grandstanding and start working on behalf of its citizens.

If I were president...

2010-04-20T15:14:00.000-07:00

Just random things I would do if I were president.

1.) Mandatory life in prison for sex offenders.

2.) 3-D movie tickets would cost the same as a regular movie.

3.) Automobile makers MUST construct cars that last at least 20 years.

4.) Oil companies could not jack up the price of gasoline at their leisure.

5.) Instead of building more freeways, a maglev infrastructure would be built.

6.) Families on welfare would be barred from ordering pay-per-view boxing matches.

7.) Fast food restaurants could not advertise in markets where they don't have franchises. (I'm talking to you, Sonic.)

8.) Beer at sporting events cannot be watered down.

9.) Dancing With the Stars cannot have contestants who sing and dance for a living, or are over age 70. (That one's for you.)

10.) No more income tax. Instead, all purchases are rounded up to the dollar with the difference going to the government. (For example, if you buy something that costs $1.85, you would pay a flat $2, with the government getting that extra 15 cents. Much cheaper than income tax and it would force the government to be frugal with our money... you know, like they're supposed to be.)

Thank you for reading.

2pac and the Beatles

2010-04-12T13:22:00.000-07:00

It's not easy being Catholic these days. It feels like whenever I pick up the newspaper I read something that makes me cringe, like this and this and this and this and this and this.

And it's not just the usual sexual abuse allegations (followed by the stock denial and promise for a full investigation) that make me think the Catholic Church has gone completely over the edge. The L'Osservatore Romano, the Vatican's official newspaper, ran a statement from the Catholic Church last week "forgiving" the Beatles for their alleged drug use, blasephemous lyrics and "mysterious messages that were possibly even Satanic."

All is forgiven, according to the Church, although I have a hard time picturing Pope Benedict XVI walking around the Vatican, bobbing his head while "I Want to Hold Your Hand" eminates from his iPod.

And then I read that the Pope listens to 2pac. Yes, 2pac, the guy who was shot five times, was jailed for sexual assault and sang, in perfect melody, "That's why I (bleeped) your (bleep) mother-(bleeper).

I mean, I listen to 2pac too. In fact, I have all of his records. But in my defense I'm not the freaking pope! I hold the Pope to a much higher standard than I do myself.

This is what the Pope should be listening to, in my humble opinion:

1.) "Good Time Music" - Brady Bunch
2.) "My God is an Awesome God" - Michael Smith
3.) "I Believe I Can Fly" - R. Kelly [At this point I'm not sure anyone from the Catholic Church should be listening to R. Kelly, but it's an inspiring song nonetheless.]
4.) "Mmmbop" - Hanson
5.) "Tik Tok" - Ke$ha [The Pope should have to suffer with the rest of us.]

I originally meant this post to be a clarification of my thoughts and beliefs as it pertains to God. But that's too complicated an issue to put into words, and I don't want to trivialize the issue on my silly blog.

Let's just say I believe in God, I love God, I try to live my life in a manner that would be approved by God, and I will let God judge me when my life is over.

Happy Easter

2010-04-06T08:42:00.000-07:00

Growing older isn't always easy. It takes a lot of adjustment, both mentally and spiritually.

After a couple years of not living at home, I realize I'm still making those adjustments. For instance, I need to accept the fact that my dad isn't going to call me on my birthday. Not that he would do much when I still lived at home, but at least there was an awkward hug and "happy birthday mijo."

I need to accept that my mom isn't going to call me on Easter. She seems to be recovering from "empty nest" syndrome remarkably well.

But I also need to realize it will take effort on my part too. My brother tweeted me "Happy Easter" on Sunday, and I totally forgot to respond. I can't always wait for people to reach out to me.

Moving out of my parents' house was probably the best thing I ever did. There's a difference between living with your family, and living with family members.

Better luck next time

2010-04-02T18:04:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been wondering how the conversation would go if I ever cheated on my girlfriend Nicole.

Don't worry, I haven't cheated. (And never will, unless by some miracle Britney Spears appears at the door, weave all disheveled, gripping a Starbucks frappucino and ready to go. Nicole would say the same about Vince Vaughn I'm sure, minus the weave.)

The reason I wonder is because all these celebrities nowadays are using sex addiction as an excuse to cheat, as if their desire to fornicate is entirely out of their control. Worst part is, their wives seem to actually be falling for it!

Like I mentioned in a previous post, I have no doubt sex addiction is a real problem for some. But why does that make it excusable to cheat?

I think people sometimes say they're "addicted" to something only to justify their actions. "I'm addicted to the computer," "I'm addicted to my BlackBerry," "I'm addicted to video games," "I'm addicted to Starbucks."

No, you're not addicted. You just like what you're doing very much and are not making a serious attempt to stop.

But I digress. The point of this blog post is to wonder how Nicole would react to news of my cheating, and whether or not an "addiction" excuse would fly. Here's how I imagine the conversation would go:

ME: Honey, I'm back from the doctor's. Guess what? Turns out I'm addicted to sex.

NICOLE: Now there's a shocker.

ME: I'm serious. The therapist says I have an uncontrollable urge to have sex with women. They call it horndogitus.

NICOLE: Is that why you always buy me flowers?

ME: Turns out horndogitus not only makes me very, um, friendly, but it also severely impacts the part of the brain that makes me say "No." And as a result, I've been cheating on you the last three years with a string of dirty, filthy women.

NICOLE: What?!

ME: It gets worse. I'm also a Nazi.... Heil Hitler!

NICOLE: You're kidding me right? You cheated on me and you're a Nazi? Are Mexican guys even allowed to be Nazis?

ME: I'm as shocked as you are, honey. But don't worry: if I spend some time at an Arizona ~~spa~~ treatment center, I should come out fine. They can treat my sex addiction. I'm not exactly sure how it works, but I think it involves Whoopi Goldberg.

NICOLE: Well that's good news. Is there a casino close by? We'll make a weekend out of it.

OK, so the conversation above isn't likely. Here's how the conversation would really go:

ME: Honey, baby, darling, love of my life? I have something to tell you. But first, please know that I love you and would never do anything to intentionally hurt you.... I just think you should hear this from me and not someone else... Baby, I chea---

NICOLE: [Loads glock]

This will have to do

2010-04-01T14:22:00.000-07:00

I had an idea for a really interesting blog topic. Problem is, I forgot what it was.

It was 1:30 a.m. and I had stumbled to the bathroom to relieve myself. As I was doing my business, that's when it hit me: I should write a blog about ______!

I climbed back into bed and half-wrote the blog in my head. I was excited; this blog idea was pure genius and all 9 of my followers would enjoy it.

Finally, no more stupid blog posts about spam, or Tiger Woods, or my role as an uncle. I would blog about _____!

I really should put a pencil and paper next to the bed, because no matter how hard I try, I can't remember what my idea was. So instead I share with you one of my favorite commercials, the fat kid from Kaiser Permanente.

Just go away

2010-03-22T15:50:00.000-07:00

At this point, I just wish Tiger Woods would go away.

He's a phony, a cheat, a liar, a skank and an egomaniac. I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

As Woods made his rounds on the television circuit today, appearing on ESPN, the Golf Channel and Good Morning America, apologizing for the "mistakes" that shamed and humiliated his young family, one question came to me: Why?

Why the public apologies for a so-called "private matter"? Why didn't he answer reporters' questions at his "press conference" last month? Why drag this thing on and on and on?

Oh yeah, because he has a golf tournament right around the corner. It doesn't take a genius to figure this stuff out, but the sad part is that the media is eating right out of his hand.

Did you hear ESPN's interview with Tiger? Reporter Tom Rinaldi was almost apologetic in his tone.

Personally, I couldn't care less if Tiger Woods cheated on his wife. But I'm offended that instead of admitting his infidelity, he plays us all for fools and blames his cheating on sex addiction. He says he's received treatment and will continue receiving treatment.

I don't buy it for a second but even if it were true, and Tiger truly is addicted to sex, why not just have sex with your wife? Is there something about sex addiction that mandates you HAVE to cheat on your wife and wreck your marriage?

The truth is that Tiger's marital problems are none of our business. But when he holds phony "press conferences" and participates in interviews where he is blatantly lying, well, that's where I have a problem.

Crunk and Junk

2010-03-15T07:59:00.000-07:00

I've hesitated to write this post because I just know I'll come across sounding like a bitter old man, but I can't hold it in any longer:

Today's music sucks.

Naturally, every generation thinks their music is better than the current generation. I think it has a lot to do with memories and people associating music with a certain period of time in their lives. Of course you think the music from your teenage years rocked; that's because you had very few responsibilities and were having fun growing up and exploring life. Music was the soundtrack to your exploration.

Gangster rap was at its peak when I was in middle school, and the unfortunate consequence was that all the guys pretended to "hard," walking around in oversized jeans and plain white T-shirts. By the time I got to high school, hip-hop had changed to a softer tone. (Rap music hit rock bottom in 2001 when an apparently castrated Ja Rule put out "Between Me & You" and "Always on Time." Rap has not recovered since.)

Around this time we also saw the introduction of Auto-Tune and music was changed forever. Now we had singers of dubious talents (hello, Britney Spears) rocket to superstardom while former superstars tried in vain to resurrect their careers (remember Cher's single 'Believe' in 1999? She doesn't even sound human.).

If Auto-Tune didn't exactly make superstars out of its users, it certainly assisted in propelling their careers. HomeTracked.com recently listed "10 Examples of Auto-Tune Abuse in Pop Music" and offenders ranged from the obvious (T-Pain's "I'm Sprung") to the slightly suprising (Maroon 5's "She Will be Loved").

But it's not just Aut0-Tune that's killing music today, the artists are at fault for being unimaginative. You can't turn on the radio right now without hearing Kesha's pop hit "Tik Tok." Among the lyrics:

Ain't got a care in world, but got plenty of beer

Ain't got no money in my pocket, but I'm already here

And now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger

But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger

I'm talking about everybody getting crunk, crunk

Boys tryin' to touch my junk, junk

Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk

Does Kesha even know what Mick Jagger looks like? And who says "crunk" and "junk" anymore? I feel like I took a time machine back to 2002.

But hope for good music is not lost entirely. I saw a documentary recently on Regina Spektor, who has an amazing, natural voice and inspiring lyrics to match. Kanye West is notorious for Auto-Tune but at least his music consists of substance, and not the usual braggado about "hoes and Hennessy." Even Jay-Z (whom I'm not a fan of) finds time to put out new music and tour for his fans. (Jay-Z put out a song last year titled "DOA: Death of Auto-Tune".)

It also makes me feel better knowing that Boyz II Men is still touring.

My role as an uncle

2010-03-09T07:38:00.000-08:00

I'm going to be an uncle.

In case you haven't heard, my brother and his wife are having a baby.

Congratulations to both of them, but I'm going to be a little selfish here and examine how this affects me (this is my blog after all).

Here is how I see my role as an uncle:

When the baby is first born, of course I will spoil him/her with presents. My entire family is grown, so it will be exciting to have a baby around, especially during the holidays. I'm sure Oscar and Mona will be going crazy trying to share the baby with both sides of their families.

I'm assuming Nicole and I will be called upon to babysit from time to time so Oscar and Mona can escape to Laughlin for a weekend. (I'm totally assuming they'll trust us as babysitters... we don't do drugs, hardly ever drink and our DirecTV has never been shut off due to lack of payment).

As my niece/nephew get older and starts attending elementary school, my role will change slightly. Perhaps I will be listed as an emergency contact at his/her school (again, I need to earn that trust from Oscar and Mona, although if they pick Michael over me, I'll be pissed, lol), so if my nephew/niece gets sick, I will pick him up and care for him until his parents get off of work. If my niece/nephew is faking it because he just doesn't want to be at school, well, that will be our little secret and we'll spend the day playing miniature golf.

When my niece/nephew attends high school, I'll pay so he/she can attend prom in a limo. If they need financial help, I'll pay for his or her class ring.

But I don't want it to be all about money. I want to be the kid's favorite uncle (as opposed to the creepy uncle, the alcoholic uncle and the old uncle you never really talk to and then he dies of a massive heart attack). I want to talk to him or her and hang out on a regular basis. Hopefully this never happens, but if he/she ever needs to "get away" from his parents because they're fighting, my niece/nephew can feel safe spending the night at our place, and Mona and Oscar can rest easy knowing their child is safe. (That may sound bad but let's be realistic, all kids will fight with their parents.)

Other things I want to teach my niece/nephew:

•Oscar and Mona have already made it clear he will be a Dodgers fan. That's great, but he/she will also be a Lakers fan!

•I will teach him/her how to properly throw a football and slide into second base.

•If it's a boy, I'll show him how to smooth talk the ladies. If it's a girl, I'll tell her not to fall for any of that BS.

Above all, I just want to be a good role model for the kid. Someone for him/her to look up to and trust and respect.

Oscar and Mona will make great parents, so my role as an uncle should be a piece of cake.

Supermarket rules

2010-03-01T08:25:00.000-08:00

I have a plan on how to become a millionaire. It's easy.

I will open a supermarket where NO TALKING IS ALLOWED. That's right, no talking. Not a peep.

One of my biggest pet peeves (and I have a few, which I'll explain in a later post), is mindless chit chat at the grocery store.

For instance, a grocery clerk at my local Ralph's plays this annoying little game with shoppers. She examines every piece of grocery you buy and then tries to guess what you're trying to make. I bought ground beef, lettuce, tomatoes and hamburger buns... it doesn't take a genius to figure out I was making hamburgers.

Then the cashier asks for my "technique" in making hamburgers. Um, by tossing them on the George Foreman grill?

Other lessons from the supermarket:

•Never stand behind a guy purchasing cat food. Chances are he's lonely and single, and will chat up the cashier, holding up the line.

•Don't stand behind old ladies at the seafood counter.

•Don't stand behind old ladies in the checkout line. They pay for their merchandise using checks.

•Don't stand behind a person paying with food stamps. I hate to steretype here, but more than once I've been stuck behind a person trying to pay for beer using food stamps. (Actually I think it's a debit card now.) And when they're denied, there's always a ruckus.

My Pefect Supermarket

At my supermarket, there would be no talking. No coupons would be accepted, and you must pay via cash or debit/credit card.

There would be no cashiers; everything would be self-checkout. And if the self-checkout machines messes up and can't scan your item, then you get that item for free. It's all in the interest of moving along the line.

Picture on top

On a completely separate note, Nicole bought this shirt over the weekend at Old Navy. (At my urging, of course.) Isn't she gorgeous?

The Answers

2010-02-22T07:49:00.000-08:00

I suppose I should have put a deadline on my contest (note for next time). But I don't think I'll receive any more responses, so here are the answers.

1.) I have spent a night in jail. FALSE! I've never even been in handcuffs, let alone a jail cell.

2.) "Little people" (ahem, midgets) scare me. TRUE. I don't know why, but I'm deathly afraid of little people. It's a phobia.

3.) Octomom is my celebrity crush. TRUE. She looks like she's slightly off-kilter, like at any moment she's liable to snap and go completely nuts....And that's a little hot.

4.) I have run a half-marathon. FALSE. Ha, I don't think I've ever run a quarter-marathon.

5.) I enjoy donating time and/or money to charity. TRUE. When I have a little extra money, I like buying toys for children's charities. Especially during Christmas.

6.) I have a 2pac tattoo somewhere on my body. TRUE. It's on my left arm.

7.) I could sleep in until noon every day if you let me. FALSE. I'm awake at 4:30 a.m. every morning, even on the weekend.

8.) USC offered me a scholarship coming out of high school. TRUE. (Sort of.) It was only good for one semester in their journalism program.

9.) I own an annual pass to Six Flags Magic Mountain. FALSE. I'm not a big fan of amusement parks.

10.) I once dated a stripper. Her name was Peaches. TRUE. But we went to school together so that's how we knew each other.

Da, dada..... and the winner of a $10 gift card to Chile's is....

OMG, we have a tie!

Both Oscar and Yessika answered six questions correctly!

So you each will receive a $10 gift card. Oscar, I'll give you your gift card this Saturday, and Yessika, I think Nicole has your address so it will be shipped out soon.

Mona, you're not going home empty-handed. As a consolation prize, I have a coupon for $5 off your next order at Mimi's Cafe!

Thank you everyone for playing!

I'm totally stealing a blog idea

2010-02-18T14:48:00.000-08:00

I have no shame. I'm ripping this idea off from Yessika over at In Joy and Sorrow. She posted 10 statements about herself and her followers guessed which were true. The winner received a gift card.

Well I only have 8 followers, half of whom are family members I think. But I want to do this anyway, just to see how well everyone knows me. Winner will receive a $10 gift to my favorite restaruant: Chile's!

Sorry, Nicole, but you're not eligible!

Here we go:

1.) I have spent a night in jail.

2.) "Little people" (ahem, midgets) scare me.

3.) Octomom is my celebrity crush.

4.) I have run a half-marathon.

5.) I enjoy donating time and/or money to charity.

6.) I have a 2pac tattoo somewhere on my body.

7.) I could sleep in until noon every day if you let me.

8.) USC offered me a scholarship coming out of high school.

9.) I own an annual pass to Six Flags Magic Mountain.

10.) I once dated a stripper. Her name was Peaches.

It's that time again...

2010-02-18T13:15:00.000-08:00

Spam Thursday! (This was originally called Spam Sunday but I reserve the right to change the name.)

Spam these days is getting trickier and trickier to spot. They'll pretend to know you, to be a long-lost friend trying to get back in touch. They pique your interest just enough that you wonder to yourself, "Hmm, could this be a legit e-mail?"

So you open the e-mail and BOOM! It's an ad for Viagra. Sigh.

I find spam to be annoying, of course, but also somewhat amusing. In a way, I'm flattered that someone would go to SO MUCH trouble just to grab my attention. It makes me feel wanted.

In any case, this is real spam sent to my e-mail account at work. Warning: PG-13 material ahead:

Chase Away Your Bedroom Blues (Are they offering me a new pillow?)

He died of a stroke... (An e-mail with a subject heading like this doesn't even make sense. Suppose for a moment that I did open this e-mail, fully expecting the heartbreaking news that someone I know passed away from a stroke. All of sudden, guess what!, nobody has died of a stroke after all! Rejoice! .....By the way, want to buy an imitation Rolex watch? Um, no.)

With a cool watch you can beat everybody (Beat everybody at what? A watch-staring contest?)

Raise hat to my new address (Yes, let's celebrate because you have a new address. Party at my house.)

Try Viagra today. 100% risk free (Spam? Yes. But I appreciate the honesty.)

Spare my feelings

2010-02-12T08:18:00.000-08:00

I hate Valentine's Day. It actually goes beyond hate -- I loathe Valentine's Day.

It's just a superficial made-up holiday created by the greeting card companies. At least during Thanksgiving and Christmas we're supposed to be celebrating something -- what are we celebrating during Valentine's Day? Love?

What does that even mean, to celebrate love? What about the single people in this world? The socially awkward among us, who have trouble talking to people of the opposite sex? Do you have any idea how crappy Valentine's Day makes them feel?

When I was in the third grade, I would be the kid who never got a Valentine's Day card. Only the "cool" kids received cards, and it made me feel like $#@&. Only when teachers began requiring that ALL students receive Valentine's Day cards, did I get one. But even then it was a generic card -- didn't even have my name on it -- and I knew it was a pity Valentine.

Now that I'm an adult, I still don't care for Valentine's Day. Flowers are ridiculously overpriced, restaurant service is bad and us men in relationships are under a tremendous amount of pressure.

This is what my girlfriend, Nicole, said in a blog post a couple days ago:

But the BF has pretty much made it clear that he is against the day because its
all propaganda and its overrated etc etc etc. Which I am sure is just his way of
saying I am not buying you anything so get over it! ::insert sobs here::

That's not really fair. This will be our third Valentine's Day together. Our first year, I bought her a Zune mp3 player.

Nicole continues:

Last year he got me some flowers and I made dinner at home and we were in bed by
8 I am sure.

That's not true. She must have forgotten, but last year I took her to a Matchbox 20 concert at the Agua Caliente Casino, which is about an hour drive from where we live. (It was pouring that night, too.) I also booked us a room for the night so we could hang out at the casino afterwards.

So to recap: even though I am totally against Valentine's Day, I still participate. But somehow it's never good enough. Somehow, I did something wrong or didn't do enough.

And this doesn't take into consideration the fact that money is extremely tight these days. I'm pretty sure my phone will be turned off in a couple of days due to non-payment.

This is the reason men hate Valentine's Day. Because nothing is ever good enough.

On February 4...

2010-02-04T13:41:00.000-08:00

All this happened on February 4:

1789 - George Washington was elected president of the United States.

1983 - Singer Karen Carpenter died in Downey.

1997 - O.J. Simpson was found liable in the deaths of Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman.

2004 - Facebook was launched as a social media Web site.

Oh, and I was born!

I turn 28 today. In related news, I think I spotted my first gray hair this morning.

I share my birthday with Rosa Parks, Dan Quayle, Alice Cooper, Clint Black, Lawrence Taylor and, my favorite, Natalie Imbruglia.

Happy birthday to me.

Stickitmaster

2010-01-28T12:52:00.000-08:00

Saw this comic today and thought it was very accurate. Click the image to read it better.

From Steve Greenberg.

5 deal-breakers

2010-01-25T13:40:00.000-08:00

Nicole today posted her 5 "deal breakers," basically the things that would make you say, "Nuh-uh, no way," to a relationship. Here are mine:

1.) She orders a salad on a first date.
2.) She has a tramp stamp larger than the size of a football.
3.) She has a nickname like "Mousey" or "Shy Girl."
4.) She has two Twitter/Blogger/Facebook accounts: one for her, and one for her cat.
5.) Instead of a regular voicemail, she has a song that takes 3 minutes to get through.

Post-it notes for Thursday

2010-01-21T12:56:00.000-08:00

Spam-O

2010-01-18T15:07:00.000-08:00

I get literally thousands of e-mails per month. Thankfully, the junk mail filter captures most of it before it reaches my inbox.

The junk mail bouncing around cyberspace is ridiculous. Yet, some people must be clicking the ads or else spam wouldn't even exist.

Here are the titles of some of the spam I received this week. (WARNING: Some may find the following examples of spam to be graphic, offensive and/or demeaning. On the other hand, others may find it exciting, arousing and/or titillating. Personally, I find them comical yet annoying, but to each their own.)

Spam I received this week:

"Find a Perfect Russian Wife"

"I sexual Russian blonde, want to see, come closer"

"Want to know what the real Russian girls love?" [Personal note: I'm sensing a Russian theme among spam]

"Be a stud tonight. Get free sample."

"Look BIGGER this coming year Free trial here." [I already look bigger this year, and I didn't need a pill... It's called IHOP.]

"Still single? Look at my profile. Olga from Russia."

"You have little joy in life? Lack warmth and affection?"

"Male enhancement patch. Look here."

"Join high society with your new purchase."

"Make your fat friends envy you."

"Women don't care about your money as long as your trunk is large."

"Patrick Hurley says you should see this video clip." [Who is Patrick Hurley?]

"Hey mate!" [Apparently I have friends in Australia.]

I could go on and on. Maybe I'll make this a weekly theme: Spam Sunday.

Welcome to my pity party -- a poem

2010-01-08T07:49:00.000-08:00

I'm cutting out calories, cutting out fat
all in an effort to make my stomach flat
Trying to escape this fast-food eating rut
But this god-awful diet is kicking my butt.

I'm eating lots of veggies
no more jalapeno poppers
Hello turkey burgers
Goodbye Burger King whoppers

Hello celery sticks
and yucky non-fat cheese
Goodbye delicious Hot Pockets
and food made by Chinese

When I found out
I couldn't eat anything fried
I ran to my room
hid under the blankets and cried

I miss Christmas dinners
with ham and maybe steak
boxes of See's candy
and little miniature cakes

The best things in life
come with a side of blue cheese
I don't want to eat anything
that comes from a #%$! tree

Don't let my looks deceive you
my stomach may be covered with flab
but hidden underneath
are hard washboard abs

This diet has zapped my energy
I'm becoming unstable
but wait, I just realized
aren't jalapeno poppers a vegetable?

Predictions for the decade

2010-01-05T17:42:00.001-08:00

Now that everyone is finished looking back at the decade that was, I thought we should look forward and make predictions for what lies ahead in the upcoming decade.

I categorized my 2010-2019 predictions based on probability and outlandishness.

RELATIVELY LOW-RISK PREDICTIONS

• By 2019, Miley Cyrus will be divorced with two children. She's like Britney Spears 2.0.

•Speaking of Britney, she'll open her own show in Vegas. I see her doing a Celine Dion-type engagement, maybe at the Wynn, and it will be wildly popular.

•Laptop computers will become obsolete. Cell phones are becoming more and more sophisticated every year. It's inevitable that we'll get to the day when a cell phone can perform all the functions of a laptop.

•Kevin James will replace David Letterman. I'm biased because I'm a big Kevin James fan.

•Jonah Hill will die of a drug overdose or massive heart attack, possibly a combination of the two. I don't wish Jonah Hill bad, but you need only look at Chris Farley, John Belushi and John Candy to realize that fat funny men don't last long. Meanwhile, Milton Berle lived to be like 105.

SOMEWHAT MORE BOLD PREDICTIONS

•LeBron James will be a New York Knick and will have zero championships. I've always thought "The Chosen One" was overrated. People are comparing him to Michael Jordan, despite the fact that LeBron has only reached the NBA Finals one time, and his team was swept. He'll leave for New York this summer, sign numerous fat endorsement contracts, appear on stage at the MTV Music Awards and then watch as the Lakers win championship after championship.

•Starbucks will go out of business. Nicole is going to kill me for this, but I think the writing is on the wall. Starbucks has already closed thousands of stores across the country, and the recession is making consumers rethink the logic of a $4 cup of coffee.

•An airline will open specifically catering to large people. Isn't it a good idea? An airline with extra-wide seats and maybe even a buffet!

•Cigarettes will be outlawed. Cities across the nation are already banning cigarettes, citing health risks associated with second-hand smoke. And, according to Supreme Court precedent, making cigarettes illegal could be constitutional.

•Information on the Internet will no longer be free. Newspapers and magazines will realize that, in order to stay in business, they can no longer simply give away their product for free online.

BOLD, OUTLANDISH PREDICTIONS!
•Tupac is alive! We'll find out that all this time he was hiding out in Brazil, trying to escape the "Thug Life."

•Tiger Woods will sign a contract with WWE. He'll begin using his golf club to hit people across the back.

•Jennifer Aniston will be married. How's that for a bold, outlandish prediction?

Recharging the batteries

2010-01-02T16:26:00.000-08:00

Remember when batteries came in a special package capable of testing a battery's charge? You would insert the battery into this little compartment and squeeze the battery from the top and bottom as hard as you could. A green indicator told you if the battery had any juice left.

What happened to those? They were very handy, even if they did leave your hand cramping for a couple hours.

I must be getting old.

Beer, nachos and wings

2010-01-01T17:24:00.000-08:00

So I was killing time online today when an interesting banner ad caught my eye.

The ad, by Weight Watchers, proclaimed, "YOU CAN DRINK BEER AND STILL LOSE WEIGHT."

Do they know how to get my attention or what?

I clicked the ad and was taken to a page that stated, "Bar Fight: Nachos VS Wings."

Apparently Weight Watchers has launched a weight loss program aimed directly at men. And I'll say it's about time. Me and Nicole have tried Weight Watchers a couple of times and I always felt out of place; the female-to-male ratio is somewhere around 105-1. I'm only slightly exaggerating.

I don't have the money to do Weight Watchers again, which is a shame because the program works. The key, as with any diet program I suspect, is sticking to it.

In the meantime, yay for beer, nachos and wings.

My first

2009-12-31T17:25:00.000-08:00

It's New Year's Eve, which means it's the time to reminisce. Goodbye, 2009. I won't miss you.

It would have been a semi-decent year if we (the girlfriend and I) hadn't spent the first six months in a hell-hole apartment in Long Beach. It was bad...really bad.

A little background: we moved into the Long Beach apartment almost on a whim. It was 2007 and Nicole and I were both living with our parents. But Nicole's house was crammed, and she was relegated to a corner of the living room where she slept on a mattress on the floor. It was depressing; with two brothers, she couldn't even share a bedroom.

It was time for Nicole to move out. She worked in Long Beach so that city seemed like a natural choice. And Long Beach, if you've never been, has endless options when it comes to apartments.

For our first apartment, I let Nicole do the picking. (Yes, I'm blaming her.) She settled on a seemingly cute 1-bed apartment, located on the second floor of a 4-unit complex. We applied, were approved, and paid our deposit. We moved in May 1.

The problems started almost immediately. There were so many problems, I'll just make a checklist:

•The apartment was hot, but the landlord didn't allow A/C units in the windows.
•The landlord, who was responsible for paying the water, sometimes "forgot" to pay the bill. So more than one time the water company shut off service due to lack of payment.
•The furnace didn't work. After complaining to the landlord, he refused to fix the furnace but gave us a portable heater instead.
•Plugged in the portable heater, which caused a fuse to blow, knocking out power to our apartment.
•According to the electric company, our apartment unit didn't exist. So every 3 months or so our power would be turned off for no reason.
•The kitchen roof leaked when it rained.
•Our downstairs neighbor was 40 years old and terribly lonely. Thus, we couldn't even throw out the trash without him engaging us in an hour-long coversation. (MAYBE IF YOU GOT A JOB AND GOT OUT OF YOUR APARTMENT ONCE IN A WHILE -- INSTEAD OF CALLING SPORTS TALK RADIO -- YOU WOULD MEET SOMEONE!)
•Mice moved in. They crawled in through the BROKEN furnace and scampered through the kitchen and into the bathroom. Rat traps did not work. After complaining to the landlord, he said, "Are you sure they were mice?" No, Mr. Super, they were ants on steroids. YES THEY WERE MICE!! He never got rid of them. When we moved out, we found rat droppings underneath our bed.
•Our neighbors in the adjoining unit tried to get us to join a ~~pyramid scheme~~ mulit-level marketing program.
•We never received our deposit back.

People I talked to said I should have sued the landlord for not returning our deposit and making us live without heat and, at times, water and power. And while that seems appealing, I'm just grateful to be out of there. I'm taking it as a learning experience; our current apartment is much better (although not perfect) and we're on a month to month lease.

The point of this post is... if you're looking for an apartment in Long Beach, avoid anything being offered by someone named MICHAEL PACKMAN!

2000s, RIP

2009-12-24T20:28:00.001-08:00

With the New Year just around the corner, I thought I would do a year-in-review, times ten.

Yes sir, a decade in review.

Obviously there's a lot to talk about so I'll do my best not to get too wordy.

1999-2000: Ah, senior year in high school! There was prom with longtime friend Selena Salinas (who had committed to the Army but got pregnant by some dude, then told her sergeant the baby was mine so the baby daddy, who had also committed to the Army, wouldn't get in trouble... see, I told you prom is a whole separate blog entry!), graduation (hated it) and the end of professional schooling as I know it.

During this time I was working at Sears and was heavy into street racing. I had a '91 Acura Integra, which I customized with all sorts of upgraded features. I even swapped out the engine with a Japanese motor to boost the horsepower. This was during the "Fast and the Furious" craze.

2001: Let's be real; 2001 will forever be identified by Sept. 11. Everyone remembers where they were when the planes smashed into the World Trade Center. I was at home, in bed, and as I woke up to use the bathroom, I noticed that everyone in the house was fixated on the TV. I walked over to see what was going on (I thought it was a car chase or something), and that's when I saw the towers on fire. It was shortly after that the Trade Center came crumbling down.

I was still employed by Sears, but working at an outlet store inside a mall. The days following Sept. 11, the mall was a virtual ghost town. Very few people shopped. It was like there was a black cloud over the entire country, and only time would make it go away.

2002: I said goodbye to Sears in 2002. I was 20, almost 21, and I realized that I wanted something more intellectually challenging. I was advancing pretty quickly at Sears, and I had my eye on a certain supervisor position, but when that person was let go, I was told the position would remain vacant due to budget constraints. That gave me the kick in the butt I needed.

My mom brought me an ad one day for a local newspaper that was hiring for an entry-level sales position. I scheduled an interview and aced it. It helped that during high school I volunteered with the Junior Chamber of Commerce; I mean, it really helped me, because my interviewer just happened to be director of the local Chamber of Commerce. I got the job.

2002-2004: Initially, I hated my new job. I had to sell newspaper advertisements, and that meant cold-calling and having numerous doors slammed in my face. Luckily (for me), this was during the height of the real estate boom, so advertising by local real estate agents who loved to see their picture in the paper helped me get by.

Things went well enough that I sold my Integra and bought a shiny new (new to me) Cadillac. I loved that car. Leather seats, sunroof, butt warmers... it had everything. But very expensive to maintain.

2004: The newspaper editor was getting old, and unfortunately for him, our publisher announced they were changing their printing system to an all-digital format. This was good news for me because the editor, who still used paper and pencil to write his stories, needed someone to guide him through the transition. I was promoted to Editorial Assistant.

Somewhere around this time my Cadillac died. The engine was shot and needed replacing. I got rid of it instead and bought a '91 Nissan 300Z. It had a few miles on it, but it ran like a dream.

2006: I remained an Editorial Assistant until 2006, when the newspaper was sold to its current owner. I was given a new title, City Editor, and virtually complete editorial control of the newspaper.

2006-2009: I met a great girl, Nicole, and we made the leap to move in together. Our first apartment was a rat's nest (literally) in Long Beach. After one year moved to our current place, in Downey. I traded in the Nissan for a more sensible PT Cruiser.

Looking back, I dedicated a significant portion of the 2000s to professional development. I still went out and had fun -- and, um, I think my friend Jr has the pictures to prove it -- but my priority was work.

I hope to keep moving in a positive direction in 2010 and beyond. I'm still developing professionally, emotionally and spirtitually. I have a hunch that I have much to look foward to in the next decade.

A Mexican Night Before Christmas

2009-12-24T17:06:00.000-08:00

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the casa,
Not a creature ws stirring -- Caramba! Que pasa?
Los ninos were tucked away in their camas,
Some in long underwear, some in pyjamas,

While hanging the stockings with mucho cuidado
In hopes that old Santa would feel obligado
To bring all children, both buenos and malos,
A nice batch of dulces and other regalos.

Outside in the yard there arose such a grito
That I jumped to my feet like a fightened cabrito.
I ran to the window and looked out afuera,
And who in the world do you think that it era?

Saint Nick in a sleigh and a big red sombrero
Came dashing along like a crazy bombero.
And pulling his sleigh instead of venados
Were eight little burros approaching volados.

I watched as they came and this quaint little hombre
Was shouting and whistling and calling by nombre:
"Ay Pancho, ay Pepe, ay Cuco, ay Berto,
Ay Chato, ay Chopo, Macuco, y Nieto!"

Then standing erect with his hands on his pecho
He flew to the top of our very own techo.
With his round little belly like a bowl of jalea,
He struggled to squeeze down our old chiminea,

Then huffing and puffing at last in our sala,
With soot smeared all over his red suit de gala,
He filled all the stockings with lovely regalos --
For none of the ninos had been very malos.

Then chuckling aloud, seeming very contento,
He turned like a flash and was gone like the viento.
And I heard him exclaim, and this is verdad,
Merry Christmas to all, and Feliz Navidad!
Author Unknown

Hope I don't get sick

2009-12-24T10:43:00.000-08:00

I try not to get too political, both in conversations and in blogging. It's such a hot-topic issue and never can you change another person's mind.

Politics, religion and abortion. Those are the topics I avoid talking about with people because, unless you're a senator or congress person, what's the point?

I'm breaking tradition to speak a little on health care reform. Yeah, I know what you're thinking: "Health care reform? Really? Yawn."

Now I'm not up to par with every little detail contained within the ground-breaking package passed by the Senate today. But I do know this: The health care system in the United States, as it stands today, is broken. And here's why:

•Hard-working citizens with full-time jobs are putting off going to the doctor because they can't afford it.

•Health insurance policies are expensive, insufficient and discriminatory.

•Emergency rooms have 6-hour waits.

•Rich people with fat bank accounts receive preferential treatment.

•Medical bills are forcing people to file bankruptcy.

•Insurance companies have employees dedicated to searching for and identifying "pre-existing conditions."

•U.S. citizens are buying their prescription medicine from Canada, Mexico and the Internet.

•Government-subsidized programs like Medi-Cal are rampant with fraud and abuse.

I was hospitalized two years ago after contracting pneumonia. I was hospitalized for two days and the doctors wanted to keep me an additional 24 hours, but my insurance refused to pay for it. The extra day I would have to pay for myself, they said, to the tune of $2,300. Needless to say, I did the rest of my recuperating at home.

Quality health care should be a fundamental right to all persons in the United States, legal citizen or not. The first words a person should hear upon entering a hospital should be, "What's wrong?" and "How may we help you?", not "Do you have insurance?"

Survey time

2009-12-22T17:39:00.000-08:00

I stole this survey from You Had Me at Hello.

**********FOODOLOGY***********

What is your salad dressing of choice?

Chunky Blue Cheese

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?

Outback Steakhouse. Their beer is served icy, icy cold.

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?

Jack in the Box

What are your pizza toppings of choice?

Pepperoni, sausage and mushrooms.

What do you like to put on your toast?

Butter & Jelly

***********TECHNOLOGY*************

How many televisions are in your house?

2

What color cell phone do you have?

Black

***************BIOLOGY****************

Are you right-handed or left-handed?

Right Handed

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?

I don't know if this counts, but when I was little a doctor used a water hose to flush excess ear wax out of my ear.

What is the last heavy item you lifted?

A box of magazines at work.

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?

No, but I had the wind knocked out of me during a game of kick ball.

************BULLCRAPOLOGY************

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?

No. I want to live life not knowing.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?

I wouldn't change it.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?

I would do it for $500.

************DUMBOLOGY*************

How many pairs of flip flops do you own?

1

Last time you had a run-in with the cops?

Last year on a drive back from Vegas.

Last person you talked to?

Nicole.

Last person you hugged?

Nicole.

**************FAVORITOLOGY**************

Season?

Winter.

Holiday?

Christmas

Day of the week?

Sunday

Month?

December.

***********CURRENTOLOGY************

Missing someone?

No.

Mood?

Eh.

What are you listening to?

Friends on TV

Watching?

Read above answer

Worry?

Rent, car payment and cell phone are all due next week.

***************RANDOMOLOGY**************

First place you went this morning?

7-Eleven for coffee.

What's the last movie you saw?

The Hangover. Funny, but a wee bit overrated.

Do you smile often?

No.

Sleeping Alone Tonight?

No.

***************OTHER-OLOGY**************

Do you always answer your phone?

No. God bless whoever invented caller id.

Its four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?

Nicole, tweeting about a new blog entry.

If you could change your eye color what would it be?

Green. (but I wouldn't change it.)

What flavor do you add to your sonic drink?

Never been to Sonic. Only a fantasy I see on TBS.

Do you own a digital camera?

Yes, a crappy one I won at an arcade.

Have you ever had a pet fish?

When I was little. It died because we overfed it.

Favorite Christmas song(s)?

That one that goes pah rump a rump rump rump

What's on your wish list for your birthday?

Just a quiet night in.

Can you do push ups?

No but I can eat them.

Can you do a chin up?

Not since like eighth grade.

Does the future make you more nervous or excited?

excited.

Do you have any saved texts?

Yeah my phone saves all texts. It sounds nice, but it really slows down the phone.

Ever been in a car wreck?

No.

Do you have an accent?

Only to Mexican people.

What is the last song to make you cry?

Colors of the Wind from Pocahontes. Also a very long time ago.

Plans tonight?

Watch the first half of the Laker game and fall asleep. Maybe throw Scrabble out the window.

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?

Yeah. The key is to get through it because things always get better.

Name 3 things you bought yesterday.

A roast beef sandwich, pasta salad & Coke Zero

Have you ever been given roses?

I was given a single rose once. It was kind of awkward.

Current worry?

Moolah.

Current hate right now?

The Kardashians.

Met someone who changed your life?

Yes.

How will you bring in the New Year?

Hopefully with apple cider, a good meal & Dick Clark on TV. But realistically, I'll be fighting to stay awake.

What song represents you?

Can't think right now. (That's not a song, I really can't think right now. Too tired.)

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

Only to see family members who have passed away, but that would be the only reason.

Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?

yes.

Do you have any tattoos/piercings?

5 tattoos.

Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now?

We shall see.

Does anyone love you?

Yes.

What songs do you sing in the shower?

I prefer to think and plan out my day.

Ever had someone sing to you?

Yes.

When did you last cry?

When Scrabble dug his claws into my back.

Do you like to cuddle?

In the morning.

Have you held hands with anyone today?

Nicole.

Who was the last person you took a picture of?

Scrabble as he played in the toilet.

What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?

Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, NWA lol

Do you believe in staying close with your ex's/prospects?

Not really. Because most relationships that end end for a reason.

Are most of the friends in your life new or old?

Old.

Do you like pulpy orange juice?

The pulpier the better.

Things I suck at

2009-12-21T14:10:00.000-08:00

I loathe making New Year's Resolutions. It's not that I don't want to better myself -- it's just that compiling a list of how much I suck takes a toll on my self-esteem.

Instead of "New Year's Resolutions" they should call it, "Reasons Why I Suck."

But for the sake of a blog post I've come up with a set of resolutions. Come back December 2010 to see how I fared.

ERIC'S NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

1.) Get a gym membership. (Whether I actually use the membership is an entirely separate issue.)

2.) Open a savings account. (So many things I want: an SLR camera, nicer apartment, second car, etc. etc. But it all requires additional moolah.)

3.) Have an article published in another newspaper or magazine. (I've been meaning to freelance more often, both to expand my horizon and supplment my income.)

4.) Get more tattoos on my arms. (I need to do this before I hit 30. If you didn't know, 30 is the cut-off age for tattoos, or at least it should be.)

5.) Begin tucking in my shirt at work. (Of all my resolutions, this is the most likely to fail.)

6.) Make a trip to the East Coast. (I'm thinking weekend trip to New York or Boston, maybe in the summer months to catch a ball game.)

7.) Install air conditioning in the apartment. (Personally, I don't mind the heat. But Nicole won't let me hear the end of it.)

8.) Have the cat spay or neutered. (I don't need a cat humping my leg. Do cats hump legs?)

9.) Install an mp3 player in the car. (The past 2 years I have been using CDs. Yes, compact discs. And I own an iPod, which makes it even more pathetic.)

10.) Stay up later. (I go to sleep early... too early. Like, I'm usually knocked out by the time Wheel of Fortune comes on. I need to stop that and spend that time reading a book, playing video games, twiddling my thumbs... something. This only applies to the weekend.)

Eric needs...

2009-12-11T19:39:00.000-08:00

I made a promise to myself when I started this blog that I would update it as frequently as possible.

In order to do that, I find myself copying a lot of blog ideas from Nicole, including this gem, where you Google your name followed by a random phrase. Confused? Read my results below and it'll make more sense.

[Your name] needs...
Eric needs help with childhood bladder and bowel problems. (I don't think I need help, but everyone has accidents now and then, right?)

[Your name] looks like...
Eric looks like Anne Frank. (Isn't she the blind, deaf woman?)

[Your name] wants...
Eric wants Hyesung's phone number. (Who is Hyesung and why am I calling him/her?)

[Your name] does...
Eric does not give, share, sell or transfer any personal information to a third party unless required by law. (Unless it's for the right price, heh heh. Just kidding.)

[Your name] hates...
Eric hates women who use checkbooks. (Ha, this is so true! Especially at grocery stores! I mean, c'mon, it's 2009, the year of the debit card. Who uses checks anymore, except to pay the rent?)

[Your name] asks...
Eric asks Molly to senior prom. (No, I won't make that mistake again! My high school prom was a disaster. Now THERE's a blog entry for one day.)

[Your name] likes...
Eric likes to eat in Washington, D.C. and Baltimore. (Actually, I've never been to either place, but I'm sure I would.)

[Your name] eats...
Eric eats a banana. (I am so not clicking that link.)

[Your name] wears...
Eric wears no clothes. (Sorry for the visual.)

[Your name] was arrested for...
Eric was arrested for the armed robbery of a South Carolina Krispy Kreme franchise. (Definitely sounds like something I would do!)

[Your name] loves...
Eric loves his nipples on Flickr. (I like my nipples, but I wouldn't say I love them.)

Notes to live by

2009-12-10T16:40:00.000-08:00

Nicole participated in Post It Note ~~Tuesday~~ Thursday and I wanted to join in.

Smells like roses

2009-12-07T12:49:00.000-08:00

I swear this happened to me literally 15 minutes ago.

Someone was invading my space (or, as Nicole would say, "all up in my bubble,"), literally six inches away from my face as we had a conversation.

I was uncomfortable and backed away, but he continued to creep closer. Finally, he pulled me to the side, sniffed a little, and said, "As a friend, I want to tell you that you need to wear more deodorant."

I was floored! Like, did he really just tell me that I smell? I thought he was kidding but he was dead serious.

I kind of gave a half-laugh and said OK. I was in shock mostly.

But now that I've had a little bit of time to collect my thoughts, I want to say this:

1.) We're NOT friends. We don't have the type of relationship where you can tell me things like that, even if it were true. And it's not.

2.) I showered yesterday! I mean, I'm not a metrosexual or anything, but I make sure nothing smells out of the ordinary.

3.) Nicole would tell me if I smell! We share the same bed after all.

4.) Maybe if you hadn't walked into my cubicle -- without my permission -- and stood six inches from my face you wouldn't have smelled anything!

5.) And you shouldn't talk, because you smell like a toxic mixture of Ben-Gay and Ensure!

How am I supposed to concentrate on work now? I'm confident that I don't stink, but now a tiny little piece of self-doubt has been implanted in my brain.

I will take ANOTHER shower when I get home tonight, but trust me, I don't smell.

From Smithers to Burns

2009-12-03T14:52:00.000-08:00

Any minute now my boss will be out on maternity leave, so very soon I will be inheriting new duties at the office.

I work at a relatively small newspaper, so in addition to the news side of the operations (which I'm currently in charge of), I will also oversee sales. I'm not going to be "managing" them per se; they're all adults, they know what to do.

My philosophy as a boss is this: As long as everyone does their job - and does it correctly - there won't be any problems.

Everything is made a lot easier when people enjoy what they do.

Viva Las Vegas

2009-12-01T16:10:00.000-08:00

Have room for 2 more?

I'm not a chronic gambler or anything (that's what I consistently tell myself anyway), but there's something about Vegas that calls my name. Maybe it's the bright lights, the chimes and jingles of the slot machines or the fact that I can have free alcoholic drinks served to me at all hours of the day by cocktail waitresses who seem to be dressed in skanky Halloween costumes.

There's just something about Las Vegas that is so surreal. Shrimp cocktails for only $1.99; mobile billboards advertising "hot babes"; a McDonald's with a slot machine inside.

Time does not exist in Las Vegas. Thus, the entire experience can quickly become an escape from reality.

I love Las Vegas. One day me and my girlfriend will live there. We'll buy a big house (they're cheap there), with two stories, a fireplace and a swimming pool. Oh, and air conditioning.

We'll have an English bulldog named Jumbo and our cat Scrabble may come along too. If he behaves.

One day, I'm telling you, one day...

In the meantime, I'll survive my Las Vegas craves with bi-monthly road trips and perhaps the occassional bus trip with the old folks. At only $10 bucks per ride, it's a sure bet.

Let's try this again

2009-11-29T11:07:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm back.

My last blog, Just a Bunch of Stuff From a Guy Named Eric, went kaput after I stupidly deleted my Yahoo e-mail account, which just so happened to be my blog log-in. So when I tried to sign into my blog, I was DENIED.

So I made a new blog. I didn't know what to call it so I named it "Arguably the Greatest Blog Ever Invented." It was either that or "Arguably the Most Mediocre Blog Ever Invented" but I decided to be optimistic.

I'm determined to update on a more frequent basis. I'm inspired by my girlfriend, Chatty Nicoley, who blogs almost every day, even if it means retreating to our hotel room during a lovely Thanksgiving vacation and blogging from a tiny cell phone! (November is National Blogging Month, she says.)

Anyway, at top is a blurry photo of our view from the Circus Circus Hotel, where Nicole and I spent Thanksgiving. We're thinking of starting a "Las Vegas on the cheap" blog, because Lord knows we love Vegas, and Lord knows we're cheap!